


One Year After Love

by Bruteaous



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-17 01:18:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13066134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bruteaous/pseuds/Bruteaous
Summary: It’s been one year since Alex Danvers & Maggie Sawyer called off their engagement and everything but their feelings for one another seems to have changed. Or Sanvers meet again and get back together because I cannot live with the (temporary) ending the show gave our girls.





	1. Free Falling

**Author's Note:**

> I do want to give some warnings: 1) Alex’s thoughts go to some pretty dark, self-loathing places and 2)Alex goes on a few dates in part 2 before realizing that Maggie is her one and only, and 3) the M rating is for later chapters. Also, this story is told from Alex’s POV. I’m currently also writing the second half of this piece, which is Maggie’s POV dealing with the break up and inevitable reunion and will post it when I’m done. I have most of Alex's POV done and will hopefully be updating a new chapter every week. Enjoy! :)

One year. It’d been exactly one year and two days since Alex and Maggie had come to an impasse and called off their engagement.

 

Or rather Alex had called off their engagement. At the time she’d been in pain both because she’d let Maggie go and because she really could imagine them having a family and a happy life together. Whenever Alex had imagined their future together, she’d see her and Maggie and a dog running around in a large backyard, chasing two laughing toddlers and in her dreams, they always seemed so happy.

 

But Maggie hadn’t wanted the same thing and Alex’s heart had shattered at the realization that—if both of them were to get what they wanted—they couldn’t be together. It’d been the hardest thing Alex had ever done in her life, but she’d thought she’d accepted what had to be done.  She’d thought she could handle it. She’d thought wanting kids was more important than wanting Maggie, but the last twelve months had proven to her just how wrong she’d been to think like that.

 

Maggie had been and still was the axis that Alex’s world turned on and without her, Alex’s world felt completely different now.

 

It felt empty. Like there was this Maggie sized hole in her chest where her heart should have been and everything else was numb, but the raw torment of Alex’s heartbreak.

 

There were other more visceral changes too. Time seemed like it was passing her by. The DEO was always the same, there were always alien threats to fight, there were always Sister Nights at Kara’s apartment, and Game Nights with the Super-friends, then the cycle would repeat itself after she’d climbed into her too big, too empty bed and rose again the next morning to another meaningless sunrise. Days felt longer, but weeks flew by two at a time and before Alex had known what was happening, it was a new year already.

 

She still thought about Maggie all of the time. They hadn’t seen one another at all and had only occasionally exchanged brief text messages with three or four word greetings. The first work day after the breakup, Alex had started sending Velasquez and Kara out to liaison with the NCPD’s Science Division on all alien related cases. That’s how Alex had learned—from Kara—that Maggie had transferred to the NCPD’s Major Crimes Unit a week or so later. They’d both effectively isolated themselves from dealing with whatever emotional fallout remained from their relationship and had closed themselves off so that nothing could hurt—or heal—their broken hearts again.

 

_I knew we were right for one another, Danvers._

 

Those words and a lot of the things Maggie had said during their time together came back to haunt Alex after she’d broken off things between them.

 

 It’s what she deserved, Alex reminded herself every time she felt the fiery ebb and swell of desolation flare up in her chest. After all, all of this was her fault, not Maggie’s.

 

She saw, felt, and heard Maggie’s ghost everywhere, often at random moments where a simple thing would remind her of her former fiancée like starting to sob uncontrollably in the grocery store checkout line because “Heartlines” came over the loud speaker. Then there were tangible reminders like the untouched bottle of Agave nectar beside the sink that Maggie had always added to the strong tea she favored or memories that Alex couldn’t keep from flashing in front of her eyes.

 

Like the way the sunlight filtered in through the balcony doors by the dining room table at dawn and how Maggie used to stand there with her mug of morning tea, taking in the new day. Back then, Alex could usually get away with watching her fiancée without being noticed, but eventually Maggie would turn around and a full dimpled smile would radiate from her beautiful face, so much warmer than the bright sunlight streaming in through the glass. Then—as always happened in those moments of agonizing reverie—Alex would snap out of her trance and the memory of Maggie she’d conjured up would fade into an empty room and she was alone.

 

Again.

 

Every day when she woke up for the first six months, Alex would roll over and her arm would reach out only to find the other side of the bed cold and empty. She’d open her eyes to confirm what she knew to be true and then an ache would rise in her chest and she would start crying again, tears just as hot and fresh and miserable as they had been on that fateful night when she and Maggie had separated from one another, minds on different pages, but hearts and souls still perpetually intertwined together on a level neither one of them truly understood. Alex tried to move on, she tried to let it go—God how she’d tried—but nothing seemed to work.

 

There was this undeniable presence of absence, this feeling that something wonderful and good and essential was now missing from her life and Alex wanted it back! She wanted it back so badly, but though her heart craved Maggie, her head cautioned her that it would only end in tragedy again. After all, Maggie had been obstinate in giving her a guaranteed answer about whether or not she may want children someday and Alex couldn’t reconcile herself to that uncertainty of a future where a family of her own with Maggie might not be an option for her. Kara had been right when she’d said Alex would be broken if she ever lost Maggie.

 

Alex _was_ broken.

 

She’d morphed into this mangled, pathetic creature who found it hard to focus at work, who snapped at both Winn and Kara multiple times a day when they were only trying to be helpful, and stayed out so late drinking at the alien bar Maggie had ironically introduced her to—and was suspiciously absent from—that she’d often have to be thrown out, drunk off her ass in a dank alleyway, almost hoping against hope that some stupid gangster wannabee would try to rob her so she could kick his ass and let out the grief and self-loathing that was simmering inside of herself at all times that not even alcohol could drive away.

 

After a couple of months, Alex couldn’t recognize herself anymore and Kara had confronted her about it. She became determined to halt Alex’s downward spiral before it got any worse or god forbid, she drank herself into an early grave.

 

“Alex I know you don’t want to hear this, but you need to move on.” Kara had told her one weekend afternoon in January when she’d found Alex sat on her couch with a bottle of scotch at 11:00 AM. “I know you loved Maggie,” Alex had leveled a dull glare at her and Kara had backtracked. “I know you _still_ love Maggie and you’re struggling with that, but this wallowing has to stop.”

 

“You’re one to talk,” Alex had said, refilling the highball glass she’d snagged from the uppermost cupboard—one of a set that she and Maggie had received as a gift at their bridal shower—as she sank further back into the couch that she and Maggie had spent so many nights cuddling, laughing, and making out on that Alex had been tempted to get rid of it, but in the end she hadn’t been able to bring herself to part with it. “I remember when I confronted you about your forced isolation and heartbreak after Mon-el left and you basically told me that you didn’t have to get over it and that you were better than me because you weren’t human. You don’t get to close yourself off to the world for six months, Kara, and then expect me to talk.”

 

Kara had flinched at the last words, “I’m just trying to be helpful and I—I didn’t mean what I said. I was just—”

 

“Heartbroken,” Alex snapped, before downing the scotch in her glass. She’d reveled in the harsh burning in her throat and the hazy numbness that tried to overtake her senses after every mouthful of alcohol. Warmed by the liquid courage, Alex had continued, “over an arrogant alien prince who you only dated for two months. Maggie was my fiancée, Kara, _my fiancée_. We were together for a year and I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her, I—”

 

There Alex’s words had collapsed into a gut wrenching sob and she’d set the highball glass back on the coffee table before she’d folded in on herself. Kara had caught her before she slid all the way to the floor and held Alex in her arms as she’d continued to cry.

 

“I can’t do this without her, Kara, I can’t.” Alex had wept, “you said to never let her go and—and I did. I did and there is no getting her back. We’re both too stubborn to compromise on kids and it just, it hurts so damn much. Why does it hurt so much, Kara, just why?!”

 

Kara had clung to Alex as her body shook and she’d said, “Because it was real, but just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean that you can’t have a full, happy life like you wanted to have with Maggie with someone else. You can still have that, Alex, just not necessarily with her.”

 

Alex had taken a few steadying breaths until she regained enough strength to pull herself back up onto the couch. Kara had immediately sat down beside her and held her hand.

 

Through their shared strength, Alex had found the courage to speak again, “I know. I know, but I wanted a full, happy life with, Maggie! I don’t want anyone else, Kara. It already feels like part of me is missing. Truth is, I can’t imagine my life without Maggie in it, but I also can’t imagine not having a child of my own sometime in the future. If we’d gone through with everything and gotten married, one of us would have been miserable because one of us would’ve be forced to sacrifice part of ourselves. Now, it feels like I’ve sacrificed more than just a part of myself. It’s like some powerful force ripped out half of my soul and all that’s left is this void. ”

 

Tears had started falling down her cheeks again as Alex leaned over and rested her face in her hands. Once again, Kara held her. “I know, but someday that void inside of you, it’s going to shrink and through the darkness you’ll see light. There have to be more people for us than just one in the world, right? You’ll find another, deeper love with the woman of your dreams, I know it.”

 

Alex had just shook her head mutely, knowing that arguing with Kara at this point would have been futile. Still Kara had tried and was still trying to keep Alex’s head above water.

 

For the next two months, she’d encouraged Alex to go out, introduced her to pretty girls at Catco who might’ve been able to give Alex the glimmer of hope that she so needed to move forward. Kara had even gone so far as going out with her to gay clubs and acting as her wing-woman, engaging beautiful women in conversation and then introducing them to Alex and even pushing her out onto the dance floor on the few occasions when Alex hadn’t consumed enough alcohol to feel confident joining the writhing mosh pit of bodies in the center of the club.

 

Then in early April, with Alex still miserable and alone. Kara had suggested taking part in the modern crucible Alex had tried so hard to avoid for so long, but had unwillingly fallen into thanks to Kara’s constant prodding:

 

The world of dating apps.

 

“Kara, I don’t think this is a good idea. Online dating just seems so…impersonal and it almost never works out, anyway.” Alex had said, pacing back and forth in a locker room at the DEO.

 

“How do you know if you don’t try? “Kara had encouraged with her puppy dog eyes on full display. “Just try it, Alex, it can’t hurt and who knows? You might meet the woman who may someday become your wife and who you’ll have 12 million kids with.”

 

Alex had stopped pacing anxiously and taken a deep breath, “I guess it wouldn’t go on one date. I have nothing left to lose at this point right?”

 

“That’s the spirit!” Kara had cheered, throwing her hands up in the air.

 

Alex had been so wrong. The first casualty as it turned out ended up being Alex’s pride.

 

And what had made the whole process worse was that nearly _all_ of the Super-friends had volunteered to put their free time and effort into helping Alex heal. There had been so many prying eyes into her personal life at the time that Alex had felt almost claustrophobic and definitely a little resentful.

 

“Kara, I am not taking off my shirt for this—,“ Alex had grumbled, removing her sister’s hands from her collar.

 

“I didn’t mean go topless, Alex, I just think you should change into something softer and more friendly than tactical gear,” Kara had explained, gesturing meaningful with her hands.

 

“Can we just get this over with please?” Alex had grumbled.

 

“You know this profile picture is going to go out to a lot of thirsty chicks,” Winn had chimed in as he’d played around absently on his tablet from where he was leaning against the wall of the locker room. “They’re all going to see you and then you’re going to have so many smoking hot ladies nipping at your heels, Kara will have to fend them off with her heat vision.”

 

“Thanks for that mental image, Winn. Come here for a second,” Alex had said as she’d removed various pieces of gear and arranged them carefully on the wooden bench next to her.

 

Winn—like the trusting, loveable dork he was—had made his way over to them and when he’d moved close enough, Alex had smacked him upside the head like she always did when he acted like the little brother she’d never had, but secretly had always wanted growing up.

 

“Hey!!” He’d yelped and backed away, “I’ve told you, don’t mess with the head. This genius brain needs to be handled with extreme care. Besides, I’m the one who’s setting up this profile for you. You’re going to want to be nice to me or else.”

 

Alex hadn’t said anything, she’d only advanced on him menacingly a few steps and Winn had taken the hint.

 

“I mean—of course I’ll make your profile so awesome because it’ll be a reflection of you and you’re awesome, a real badass, you know? Wait, is that J’onn calling me?”

 

“I don’t hear anything,” Kara had said, her eyebrows crinkling in confusion.

 

“OH, yeah, it’s definitely him, I’m just gonna go,” and with that Winn had scurried out of the locker room so fast he could’ve almost rivaled Supergirl for speed.

 

“That was strange, but back to you. How about this, you can keep the black polo shirt and BDUs, but please can we just unbutton the collar and open it up more…see? Just like that. Perfect,” Kara had said as she’d adjusted Alex’s collar so it was completely open and laid flat against Alex’s collarbone on either side, exposing the full length of her neck and a small expanse of skin on her chest.

 

“I feel ridiculous,” Alex had grumbled as she’d fussed with her empty utility belt.

 

Kara had gripped her shoulders then and stared into Alex’s eyes where equal levels of insecurity and despair warred for dominance, “Alex, I know this isn’t easy for you, but it could turn out great. You could meet this wonderful woman who wants kids with you. You could marry her and have a house and a dog and everything you ever wanted with Maggie. I mean, who knows?”

 

There were a few light knocks on the locker room door and then James’ voice had drifted through the layers of vinyl and fiberglass, “are you guys decent in there? I saw Winn running like he was fleeing for his life so I just wanted to check before I came in.”

 

Simultaneously, Kara and Alex had given opposite answers: “Yes!” and “No!”

 

Kara had looked at Alex then and shook her head in annoyance and Alex had crossed her arms defensively across her chest and focused on the unscuffed toes of her combat boots.

 

“Come on in, James.”

 

James had entered through the door, carrying one of his many cameras and a tripod over his shoulder, “Alright, where do you want to do this?”

 

“Alex?” Kara had called.

 

“Over against the wall,” Alex had pointed, directing James to the room’s farthest wall which was basically blue painted concrete.

 

James had begun to set up his equipment while Alex had fidgeted nervously.

 

“I still think we should be doing this in my apartment where there are bright colors and everything is cozy and there’s at least some natural light. This room just feels like a dungeon,” Kara grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest.

 

“Good, then maybe I’ll attract someone as dark as I feel and you will stop pushing me into the arms of mindless dating apps,” Alex had grumbled back.

 

“Alex, you’re just being unreasonable—”

 

“It’s alright, Kara.” James had soothed her, “the lighting is good in this area and we don’t have to worry about the shadows of the lockers at this distance. This should be the perfect spot and I can always play with the exposure later if we need to. Everyone ready to get started?”

 

Kara had nodded and Alex had gestured at him to get it over with.

 

“Alright, smile.”

 

James had taken about sixty or so photographs to choose from. Alex got to decide the winner and Winn had uploaded it to the profile and voila!! Instant, humiliation. Alex had felt it as if there were a thousand people in the room staring at her and to her that might as well of been what was happening since she was now on display for millions of strangers to peruse at their leisure.

 

And Winn—surprisingly—had been right.

 

Within the first six hours of going live, Alex’s profile had received two hundred views and half as many invitations.  Alex had been overwhelmed and she’d actually considered telling Kara it had been a bust instead of talking to a stranger who could be half way across the city or half way around the world given the nature of the internet, but Kara wouldn’t let her get away with ignoring a potential chance at happiness, however small the odds. So Alex decided to try, but she was immediately overwhelmed by the choices and the fear of screwing up.

 

And that was how Alex ended up pounding on the door to Kara’s apartment at 2:00AM.

 

“Kara! Kara!”

 

The door had immediately swung open and Alex had almost fallen into her confused sister and her tie dye pajamas.

 

“Alex? What—it’s 2 o’clock in the morning, what are you doing here?”

 

Alex had rushed into the room and held up her phone. Then she’d immediately begun spouting a string of rapid fire questions that probably would have been incomprehensible to another human being at that time of night.

 

“How the hell do I do this? Do I swipe right? Do I favorite them? What does it mean if I swipe left? Do I view? How can I see their full profiles? How do I ask for a date? How do you even start a conversation on this damn thing? How honest should I be? Should I lie? Is it like Amazon shopping? Do I put someone in my cart? What, Kara, what am I even doing right now?!”

 

Kara had dropped down onto her couch as Alex paced and rambled and had grabbed a nearby pillow, holding it to her chest as she’d listened, but as Alex’s tirade wound down to a panicked close, she’d reached up and yanked Alex down onto the couch by one pocket of her jeans.

 

“Sit, sitting that’s what you’re doing right now,” Kara had mumbled in an adorably sleepy voice.

 

Alex had run her fingers through her short hair over and over, pushing it back against her neck and trying not to hyperventilate at the same time. “This is a nightmare, Kara, a nightmare. I want to go back to when I didn’t even know what this app was called let alone what it’s used for.”

 

Kara had held out her hand and Alex had slapped the phone into her palm. Alex had sat back and laid her head against the back of the sofa, just trying to breathe. She was aware that Kara was using the app on her phone. She’d heard the whoosh sound every time a ‘swipe’ happened and the telling chirp whenever Kara chose a profile to explore.

 

“What about her?”

 

Alex had raised her head and scooted closer to Kara until they were side to side.

 

“She’s pretty,” She’d acknowledged.

 

“Her name is Carolyn. She’s 28. ” Kara had read off in a languid whisper, “she’s a part time textile designer who’s apparently a big Beatles fan.”

 

“How do you know that?” Alex had asked leaning trying to get a better look at the screen.

 

“Well, it says that over in this box labeled ‘Interests & Hobbies’ and there’s also a picture in this gallery of her dressed as Yoko Ono.”

 

“I don’t know what to make of all that, but she does have beautiful eyes.” Alex had said, grasping to find some sort of silver lining.

 

“She’s online now.”  Kara had pulled up the keyboard on Alex’s phone and her thumbs had traveled over the letters so fast that Alex almost missed everything but the high pitched whistle as the message was sent.

 

“What just happened?”

 

“I sent her a message asking her if she’d be up for a date with you.”

 

“Wait, what?! Kara no, that was too fast! Oh my god, I’m freaking out again—”

 

There was another whistling sound and Kara raised the phone so she could read the screen. “She says you’re, I quote, ‘smoking hot’ and she would love to ‘tap that sometime’. She just needs the time and place where you want to meet her.”

 

“That was easy. Was that too easy do you think? That was like freaky fast. Like Barry Allen fast—” 

 

“Alex, relax.” She’d picked up Alex’s phone again, typed out something. There was another whistle and then Kara had tossed the phone at her sister. “Just relax and have fun. I can get you reservation at Roscsati’s and then just follow your heart or your body from there.”

 

Alex had looked down at her phone, taking in the tiny portrait picture of the woman Kara had just set her up on a blind date with. Then she’d dropped her head back onto the sofa and resigned herself to what was coming.

  

She’d known she wasn’t going to sleep at all that night and she’d been right. Kara had found her the next morning in the same place, staring dejectedly up at the beige ceiling.


	2. I'm Not Okay

 Date number one hadn’t gone as bad as it could’ve, but it hadn’t gone well either.

 

Possible love interest number one, Carolyn, a twenty-something dishwater blonde with legs for miles sat across from Alex at a table in the fancy-ish restaurant Kara had insisted getting Alex a reservation at. They’d done the necessary greetings and now they actually had to maintain a conversation long enough to find some sort of common ground. As it turned out, Alex hadn’t had to do much talking because Carolyn had immediately dove into the conversation.

 

“So, I don’t know if you remember this from my profile or not, but I am like a huge Beatles fan. My mom and I used to listen to all of their songs, and I have every album they ever made, and I need to meet Paul McCartney before I die or he dies, whichever comes first, he’s really old. I’m probably like their number one fan out of our generation right now, because they’re so retro, you know?  Anyway…who’s your favorite Beatle?”

 

Alex’s eyebrows wove together in confusion as she tried to draw out the inevitable, “Ummmmmmm……”

 

That first date had only lasted fifteen minutes, an agonizing long ass fifteen minutes to be sure, but still only fifteen minutes. Alex had even made it to Kara’s in time for Game night.

 

Date number two was marginally more successful, though it too didn’t go the way Alex had imagined it would, just like the first. She’d gone on a second date with the third woman who messaged her on the site, which led to an impromptu make out session that felt…meaningless. She’d been attracted to woman number three, but it was odd for Alex being intimate with someone who wasn’t Maggie and also with someone she didn’t have an emotional connection to. The experience had unsettled her more than she’d thought it would. The date with woman number four had ended up being a complete miscommunication on Alex’s part: the other woman had only really wanted a booty call and Alex wanted a meaningful relationship not a one night stand she likely spend months and months feeling guilty for.

 

Finally a month had passed by and Alex had been ready to throw in the towel and delete her account on the dating site and that pesky little data eating app that seemed to monopolize so much of her phone’s memory for no good reason, but Kara had rallied for her, telling her to try going on at least one more date until she gave up and after hours of bickering, Alex had relented.

 

Prospective girlfriend number five a.k.a. Lauren was 31 and a clinical lab technician. She was tall, on the verge of being unhealthily thin with adorably nerdy glasses that highlighted her eyes and cheekbones, and she was more wispy than Alex—as if she could almost have be blown away by a strong wind—and she was also a brunette, which Alex had discovered that she preferred to blondes. This time, Alex had let her date chose the place where they met, which luckily ended up being Noonan’s Bar & Restaurant. Alex had felt way more comfortable in the familiar surroundings and it’d also helped that she pretty much knew the entire menu so she could suggest what was good and appear to be knowledgeable and way more confident than she’d felt the first time around.

 

“What even is the point of drinking coffee if it’s decaf?” Lauren had bantered enthusiastically across the table from Alex.

 

She had an easy, beautiful smile, but there were no dimples in her cheeks when she laughed at something Alex said or grinned at one of her own geeky jokes and Alex had felt her stomach flip flop uncomfortably at the realization.

 

“Right? It’s not like it has any real purpose. It’s like imitation coffee, what’s that?” Alex had replied, trying for all she was worth to keep up the hopeful smile on her face even though she was panicking on the inside and was struggling to maintain eye contact.

 

“Alright, time for another nerdy joke.” Lauren had leaned forward, staring into Alex’s eyes in a way that seemed entirely too vulnerable and intimate for a first meeting and said, “Why can you never trust atoms?”

 

“Why?” Alex humored her.

 

“Because they make up everything.”

 

Alex couldn’t’ve stopped the electronic signals hopping from synapse to synapse in her brain that were telling her to laugh if she tried, but even so, she attempted to stifle the chuckles as they came and failed. The resulting amused snort brought a genuine smile to her face for the first time since she’d let Maggie go.

 

“That was a good one,” Alex praised.

 

“Thanks. I’ll be here all week.”

 

There was a short awkward pause where neither of them knew where to go from there. Then Lauren finally broke the silence.

 

“So, you said you’re a doctor, but a doctor of what exactly?” Lauren asked curiously.

 

“Ummmmmm….” In all of her over-preparations for the night, Alex hadn’t considered how to answer this question. It’d always been easy with Maggie because Maggie knew about the DEO, she’d met Maggie at work, but with other women, how in the hell was she going to explain what she did without lying in a way that was sure to compromise any chance at a meaningful relationship? “I—study infective agents and um, other unique organisms that can carry them for the FBI. I’m a federal agent.”

 

Alex had cringed internally at the sound of her own excuse and how weak it had been.

 

If it was this hard to conceal her occupation from a woman she could hypothetically love, then how was she going to conceal Kara’s secret? Sure, she’d been doing it professionally for years, but she’d never really thought about how really lucky she’d been that Maggie had understood about aliens and had been unfazed by her own realization that Kara was Supergirl. Alex hadn’t had to worry about the secret getting out, because she’d trusted Maggie with her life, her heart, and even her deepest secrets and Maggie had always kept them safe.  

 

Alex had begun to get short of breath as her chest had constricted until she felt like she couldn’t physically breathe and then the panic had set in.

 

“Are you okay?” Lauren had asked, noting the difference in Alex’s boy language and the way her expression had fallen almost immediately.

 

There had been a soft touch as Lauren’s hand had covered Alex’s own on the table.

 

“What?” Alex had answered, confused and not fully understanding what was going on.

 

“You’re crying,” Lauren said, looking at her in a pitifully sympathetic way that somehow had seemed both genuine and served to make Alex feel work all at once.

 

Alex had lifted a hand to touch her cheek and when she brought it back down, the finger tips had glistened with warm tears.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Alex cried, using her napkin to blot at her eyes.

 

“Don’t worry about it. Hey, we’re all human beings and sometimes all we need is a good cry,” Lauren comforted with a smile. A silence followed punctuated only by Alex’s sniffles and short painful breaths. “You’re okay. Just breathe, alright? Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. There, good.”

 

As the oxygen she was taking in reached her muscles and they had begun to relax, Alex felt her body lean heavily back into her chair. She’d thought she would be okay and somehow be able to salvage some part of this situation, but then Lauren had asked, “who was she? I assume an ex. Someone you’re maybe still love in love with?”

 

Alex had tried to focus on her breathing as her panic once again began to overtake her senses. She hadn’t wanted to talk about Maggie with a stranger. People didn’t talk about their exes on dates with other people. How lame would that be? But even as Alex had thought those words, she registered the softness of Lauren’s voice and the understanding way she was looking at Alex, almost as if Lauren understood what she was going through or at least a loss maybe similar to it.

 

“Yeah, she was my fiancée, but we broke up,” Alex had admitted, sniffling.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Lauren had said, meaning it. “I really am. I can’t imagine that going out on this date was easy for you.”

 

Alex had felt the embarrassment replace panic as it seemed to seep in, out, or through every single pore in her body. Here she was on a date with a beautiful, nice, geeky woman who shared an interest in science and a similar sense of humor and all Alex could do was talk about her fiancée that she’d let walk out of her life.

 

_Are you sure you want to give up on this? You sure you want to do this, give up on something tangible and real, something... us. It's us._

 

Alex had heard the words in Maggie’s voice as her mind flashed back to that last time she and Maggie had made love and cuddled in _their_ bed. Just hearing Maggie’s pleading voice again, even just in her head had caused an anguished twinge to spring up in Alex’s chest and she’d felt her eyes begin to sting again.

 

“If it makes you feel any better,” Lauren had confessed. “My girlfriend of five years and I broke up recently and I spent about five months moping around before my brother told me I was being stupid and insisted setting me up on a dating app. Wow, that sounds really bad when I say it out loud, huh?”

 

“No, not at all actually,” Alex had begun—wiping away the new tears before they could fall—as she had in turn confessed. “My fiancée and I separated in November and since then my little sister has been trying her hardest to get me back out there in the dating world. In fact, she’s the one who set me up on this dating app as well.”

 

“Supportive and overprotective siblings,” Lauren had said, good naturedly rolling her eyes. “What would we do without them?”

 

“I don’t know, but I do know that I wouldn’t give up my sister for the world.”

 

“Same.” Lauren had echoed, “I mean my brother can be a major pain in the ass and I may joke about drugging him and leaving him on the stoop for gypsies to take, but that’s only in fun. Gotta keep him on his toes.”

 

Lauren’s easy smile was easy to mirror, contagious in a way that Alex wasn’t used to. They’d started talking then candidly about everything from school experiences to past relationships to the cities they’d each lived in, and just life in all of its glorious uncertainty. All of the sudden, Alex had felt herself relax into the moment as if an invisible weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. It was strange how effortless it was to talk to Lauren. Anyone who would have seen them then sitting at a table in the middle of Noonan’s would have thought they’d known each other for years—and maybe were even lovers—given the easy way they had exchanged smiles and comfortable laughter. Before either one of them had realized it, it was 11:00 PM and the bartender was calling last orders out to the few remaining customers.

 

They’d both shrugged on their leather jackets leisurely and walked out into the night air as the owner locked up behind them. Suddenly, there was this undeniable presence of absence in the street around them. They stood together, mostly alone except for the scanty traffic moving back and forth along Hara Avenue. It was the first time in hours they’d been at a loss for what to say to one another and Alex felt herself shuffling her weight awkwardly from foot to foot. Finally, she’d found a sliver of that legendary courage inside of her that she was known for and spoke.

 

“This was fun,” She’d said, struggling to find more words to say that didn’t sound stupid and awkward.

 

“Yeah, it was pretty nice meeting a fellow science nerd on a non-date through a dating app,” Lauren had grinned. “Well, I should get going. My brother’s waiting at my apartment with pizza and beer to hear all about my date. If I don’t show up before midnight, he’ll probably worry that I was snatched by a serial killer or something.”

 

“I should be going too. It was nice to have met you.”

 

Alex had turned to walk in the opposite direction towards the parking lot where she’d left her Ducati, but before she could take more than a couple of steps, a light grip had tugged at her elbow. Alex had turned her head just in time for Lauren’s lips to meet hers. It was unexpected, it was chaste, and Alex hadn’t had the time to kiss back even if she’d wanted to. Before she’d registered that a kiss had even happened, Lauren had pulled away and smiled.

 

“If you ever want to meet up for a non-date again, you have my number. Goodnight, Alex.”

 

And with that Lauren had shoved her hands into her jean pockets and rounded the corner of the building. Alex had just stood there alone in the chill of early spring for what seemed like hours, her mind running over and over what had just happened. The kiss had been brief, but Alex could tell that it hadn’t felt…right for some reason. Lauren’s lips had been thin and somewhat chapped against her own whereas whenever Maggie had kissed Alex, even that first time in the alien bar, her lips had been full and inviting. From their first kiss forward, all of Maggie’s kisses whether a few seconds long or a few minutes, had been hot and languid and filled with longing and love only for Alex.

 

It was Lauren’s impromptu kiss that had led Alex to finally reconcile herself to the conclusion that Maggie was it for her. She’d originally written off her hesitation to date anyone else to the fact that she’d only ever loved one woman…but that wasn’t the reason why, she’d realized. Alex didn’t want to kiss or date other women. She wanted Maggie in every way that it was possible to want her.

 

She’d ridden her bike home that night, taking backstreets to help clear her head.  Kara had been right, Alex had met the woman of her dreams, but she hadn’t met her on some dating app. Alex had met her almost two years ago on an airport tarmac debating the jurisdiction of the crime scene they’d both been trying to work.

 

She’d had the woman of her dreams from the beginning…and she’d let her go.

 

What was she going to do now?

 

Sure, Alex still wanted a family someday. She still wanted kids, but when she thought about it, she couldn’t picture that life or any life with anyone else but Maggie…and she didn’t want to, even if she could have a similar fate with someone else. Maggie was more important than kids. Alex would live if she didn’t have kids, she’d feel that loss for the rest of her life, but at least she’d have a full life in every other sense with the woman she loved whereas if Alex didn’t have Maggie, then she wouldn’t even be living a half-life.

 

During the last week of their relationship, they’d argued night after night about the possibility or lack thereof of having children in the future. Alex had allowed herself to be demanding and somewhat aloof because she’d been afraid that if she’d let herself lead with her heart during their arguments, she’d lose her resolve and stay with Maggie despite everything else she’d wanted because Maggie _was_ her heart.

 

Alex had always had an emotional true north that she’d followed her entire adult life and for the entirety of their relationship that’s how she’d been with Maggie—open, affectionate, honest, and courageously vulnerable—but in those last days of their engagement, it had been as if Alex had been so fixated on getting one thing: unwavering confirmation that her fiancée had wanted the same thing that she did and that confirmation had cancelled out anything else that should have mattered, including what Maggie had actually wanted and needed from her.

 

There’d been no compromising. Alex hadn’t been willing to settle for a ‘maybe’ or a ‘someday’. She’d been impatient with Maggie, frenzied even, pushing and demanding an exact answer that Maggie hadn’t been ready or able to give her. And what had Alex done when Maggie hadn’t given her the immediate response she’d needed to hear? She’d forced their separation. She’d said the words that the Alex who’d led with her heart would never have been able to say to the woman who’d opened her up to a world of happiness and love:

 

 _We can’t be together_.

 

Those four words still haunted her, vibrating through Alex’s mind like a gunshot and making her ears ring so loudly that they were almost the only thing she could hear when she was alone with herself. What’d been wrong with her? Why had she been so headstrong, so adamant to get her way when months earlier she’d have given into anything Maggie had wanted happily ,so blissfully, unconditionally in love had she been? What’d changed between their engagement and the end of everything?

 

The answer hung over Alex as immovable and undeniable as a dark cloud: She had. She’d been the one who’d changed. Alex had allowed herself to devolve in a way and return to a shadow of the guarded girl she’d been before Maggie had sauntered into her life with a dimpled smile and her trademark snarkiness. She’d let herself get overwhelmed, compartmentalizing what she could, and letting the remaining anxieties surround her like a Boa constrictor.

 

There’d been the stress of planning the wedding itself and the minor inconsistencies in their expectations, but overall Alex remembered feeling a near constant hum of apprehension mixed with contentment that had seemed to run through her day after day, night after night, like an electrical current as the date of their wedding and Alex’s pending lifetime commitment had approached. And there’d always been something else to obsess over once one problem had been dealt with during those final six months.

 

If Alex hadn’t been worrying about Kara, she’d been thinking about her dad’s absence, or the inevitable bridal shower that her mother was planning, or even how they were going to split their surnames after the wedding. Would she become a Sawyer or stay a Danvers? To hyphenate or not to hyphenate? Those shouldn’t even have been questions that mattered that much, but they had been. Instead of easing into her engagement to the woman she’d loved and enjoying the promise of a bright future together, Alex had allowed herself to be distracted by other things that had allowed her to ignore the reality that she was about to make a lifelong commitment.

 

Maggie had behaved differently, Alex remembered. She’d been calm, almost in a state of contented acceptance, even Zen. She’d wake up every morning, enveloping Alex into her arms with a loving smile and the promise of a hot mouth and skillful hands soon to follow. She’d take every opportunity that there was in a day to kiss Alex whenever she could and tell her that she loved her in the same breath.  

 

Maggie had been….ready.

 

There had to be a better way to put that, but it was accurate. Maggie had been ready to share her life with Alex, to settle into domesticity, to have a house, a dog, and a full life together. But Alex…hadn’t been and she hadn’t ever stopped to even consider that that might be the real reason why everything had come crashing down around her. She’d just focused on kids, focused on making sure she could be a mom someday, instead of focusing on enjoying being in a committed relationship and in love with a wonderful woman who was crazy about her.

 

Alex had been the one to propose on the spur of the moment, leaping off of a cliff with her heart in the lead and her rational brain left to follow behind later. She’d been so engrossed in hanging onto Maggie after the Daxamite invasion that she’d failed to realize that she _was_ the one who was starting to let go. It had been gradual, not malicious or even conscious, but still Alex had emotionally distanced herself from her fiancée after being the one to _ask_ Maggie to marry her in the first place and that was messed up.

 

She’d vaulted heart first into a situation that hadn’t been fair to either one of them. Maggie had probably been waiting throughout her entire life up untill that point and all of her failed relationships for the sort of love, stability, and devotion being Alex’s wife and joining Alex’s family would offer her. She’d been all in and Alex…hadn’t been ready for that level of commitment, but instead of owning her own fears and admitting it to herself or Maggie, she’d forced the issue with kids and pushed their relationship to a breaking point that had left both of their lives in pieces.

 

All of this—her heartbreak and Maggie’s—was all of Alex’s fault.

 

Alex had pulled her bike into her parking space and had barely put the kickstand down before she’d hopped off and marched towards the elevator leading up to her empty apartment. She’d pushed the call button, but the elevator was taking longer to move than she had patience for in her agitated state so Alex sprinted towards the stairwell and took the stairs two at a time for the remaining fifteen floors.  Her lungs had burned and her muscles ached, but still Alex had pushed herself, reveling in the physical pain as it grew and grew and she ran and ran.

 

She should’ve been in pain, she should’ve been miserable, she should’ve been punished for all of the stupid decisions she’d made and everyone she’d hurt with her carelessness in the past few months. Finally, Alex had made it to her floor and had immediately leaned against the wall, sliding down the painted plaster to sit on the hall carpet. She’d felt her heart hammering against her ribcage like a drum. Blood rushed through her ears and sweat had begun to bead down from her hairline.

 

Alex had loved Maggie. She _did_ love Maggie.

 

How had she allowed herself to become so selfish? How had she gone from feeling selfless, unconditional love to fear, hesitation, and eventually numbness? From the moment she’d proposed, Alex had begun to pull away from Maggie in little, imperceptible ways. Realizing that her fiancée hadn’t been on the same page with kids had just given Alex the excuse she’d needed to run from the commitment she’d thought she’d wanted.

 

That wasn’t who Alex was. That wasn’t who Alex _wanted_ to be. Not anymore. Not ever.

 

What’d happened to the badass DEO agent who’d loved as fiercely as she’d protected those she’d loved? Where was the woman who’d been so devoted to her girlfriend that she’d promised to help her heal and share a lifetime of firsts together? Somewhere along the way, that version of Alex had gotten lost and this new version of herself had sprung up, continuing the flight away from an unnamable something at the same time as she was running towards something else she couldn’t understand.

 

_Are you sure you want to give up on this? On something tangible and real—on us, it’s us._

Alex had swallowed the bile rising in her throat at the memory of her love’s soulful eyes and the pain mirrored in them that she’d caused.

 

She’d made the biggest mistake of her life. She had to fix this. She had to find some way to get Maggie back. She had to.

 

Wiping at the tears on her cheeks, Alex had risen to her full height and ambled defeated and sore towards her empty apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Hope everyone enjoyed the second part and leave a comment on your way out if you can. :)


	3. Memory Gospel

A week went by and nothing changed and then two weeks and then three and finally May had passed her by completely and still Alex didn’t know how exactly to approach reconciling with Maggie. Her heart told her to just go to her, that that would be enough, but her rational brain stopped her, overthinking things as it often did.

 

She’d always followed her heart and very seldom had it led her in the wrong direction, but still something was stopping Alex from doing what came naturally to her. While her inner instincts encouraged her go to the precinct or—the more straightforward and frowned upon strategy—to find out her new address and go to her, her mind had a different response: wait.

 

And so that’s what Alex did.

 

The sun had been streaming in through the high bedroom windows, warming the satin sheets on the unoccupied side of the bed beside her and Alex was briefly able to fool herself into believing that Maggie’s warm and familiar body might have slept beside her the previous night.

 

But when she’d opened her eyes and sat up, she’d realized the truth in her hollow and all too quiet apartment. The only sounds of waking or of life had been her own and that caused Alex’s heart to clench and her chest to tighten like it had every morning since she’d let Maggie go.

 

Resolving herself to the inevitable, Alex had risen, relieved her bladder, showered, brushed her teeth, applied a minimal amount of makeup, drank coffee, and finally got dressed, creating an acceptable facsimile of the Alex Danvers that everyone who knew her would be expecting to see.

 

She’d stared at her reflection one last time briefly in the bathroom mirror and for a fleeting moment, she saw a specter of Maggie in her shower, smiling at her, saying, ‘Babe, come join me’. Then as quickly as the memory of her finance had appeared, it’d dissipated and left Alex lost and isolated in too much negative space. 

 

 _Just get through the fucking day,_ Alex had thought to herself. It’d been her mantra every day since Maggie had left, but it’d done very little in the way of motivating her to live a better life. _Get through the day and then work on fixing yourself and then you can get Maggie back_.

She’d arrived at the DEO earlier than she’d needed to, enveloping herself in her tactical gear like armor and fastening her thigh holster complete with her loaded service weapon as if Alex was daring fate or destiny or anything really to mess with her that morning. Her beloved alien gun (that carried the uncomfortable residue of happy memories just like everything else Alex owned) had been tucked into one boot. When she walked into the command center the only people there were J’onn—who Alex was convinced probably lived at the DEO anyway—and a skeleton crew of one or two analogists scattered in front of their monitors, cradling large cups of the black sludge their cheap federal commissars called coffee.

 

J’onn had looked up from his tablet at her booted footsteps, “Alex, you’re in early today.”

 

“Yeah, well I didn’t really want to sit around this morning brooding. Figured I’d get more done here.”

 

J’onn had looked at her in silence again as if either he’d wanted to say something, but didn’t have the words or like he’d read her mind and was dismayed by the negative thoughts he’d found swirling around up there. Either one could have been true, but after a few seconds he’d turned back towards his tablet and began tapping buttons on the screen.

 

“You could assist Agent Velasquez on the Korugarian case. I’m sure she’d welcome the help,” He’d suggested, not looking up from his work.

 

“Great,” Alex had sighed, planting her hands on her hips as she looked over the tablet in his hands. “What do we know?”

 

“Not much.” J’onn had confessed. “Just that an individual matching the species specifications of a Korugarian was witnessed flipping over a car with the driver still inside by an old man walking his dog in his subdivision around 5:00 A.M. Sunday morning. Then the Korugarian just ran off and hasn’t been sighted since.”

 

Alex had narrowed her eyes and frowned, “where was this exactly?”

 

“The Golden Hour District.”

 

“I’ll take Velasquez and meet with the old man, ask him some questions, then we’ll go to the hospital, and meet with the driver’s family if they were admitted. Hopefully, we’ll be able to pinpoint the Korugarian’s whereabouts before he causes any more damage.”

 

“Alex,” J’onn had called out to her before she’d been able to march off. “Remember, this is just a routine case. Relax, take a deep breath, and remember there is more to life than work.”

 

Alex had felt her facial muscles tighten into an involuntary scowl, but she’d nodded just the same. His voice had been kind and she could see in his eyes that the words had come from the fatherly love and pride he felt for her.

 

* * *

 

 

“So….how are you?” Velasquez had asked in an almost calm voice that had a near undiscernible tremble to it.

 

Her system had to be in shock, Velasquez surmised, it had to be. That’s why her fingers had remained stuck in their white knuckled grip around the bottom of the passenger seat she was in.

 

“I told you, I’m fine.” Alex had snapped for the third time during their 30 minute drive across the city.

 

“Oh Yeah? Is that why we were going 90 mph in four lane rush hour traffic, because you’re fine?!” Susan had asked disbelievingly, finally loosening her death grip now that the Dodge charger they’d borrowed from the DEO lot was finally parked safely in the suburb where their witness lived.

 

Alex hadn’t answer right away, just gripped the steering wheel tighter between her hands even though technically she hadn’t needed it for anything anymore. They’d sat in tense silence for a few minutes.

 

“I’m not fine.” Alex had admitted finally, relaxing back into her seat as the adrenaline in her veins that she’d been counting on to get her through the morning dissipated completely.

 

“No shit, Scully,” Susan had deadpanned, glaring at her. “You almost got us killed!”

 

Alex had turned her head towards Velasquez had and raised an eyebrow with a derisive snort, “Really? You watch that show?”

 

“Hey! It’s a great show and it’s one of the things that inspired me to become a federal agent in search of the unknown so don’t knock it until you’ve watched it and even then not in my presence, okay?” Susan had defended, the authority in her voice almost sounding stern enough to be command until she remembered who she was talking to and bowed her head to look at the floorboards, “Ma’am. Sorry that was out of line.”

 

“No, that was nice actually.” Alex had confessed. It was her first voluntary admission that she was grieving after the break up she’d caused that she’d let pass her lips since Kara’s intervention in January. That had to be progress right? “People have been tiptoeing around me for the past eight months. It’s sort of refreshing to be yelled at when I behave badly.”

 

From the seat beside her, she’d heard Susan chuckle, “Well, if you want that sort of reaction, I can call Eliza for you and get her on the first plane to National City ASAP.”

 

Alex had looked back at Velasquez, her eyes narrowed and eyebrows pulled down into the familiar death glare that made her feared far and wide as she rose through the ranks of the DEO.

 

“Too much? Got it,” Susan had nodded seriously, opening the passenger side door. “Shall we? He’s an older gentleman. He’s probably expecting us to be punctual.”

 

“What’s his name again?” Alex had asked, climbing out of the car simultaneously with Susan and smoothing down her trousers.

 

“Michael Davy. 84 years old. He lives at 1004 Fullerian Drive—so here”, Velasquez had motioned absently towards a modest house to their left with light blue siding, “with his wife Maxine and their golden retriever Fido,” Susan read from the folder in her hands as she walked.

 

“Fido, how original,” Alex had muttered to herself as she adjusted the sunglasses on her nose.

 

 _Better than Gertrude_ , a voice that sounded just like Maggie’s whispered from somewhere in the recesses of Alex’s mind.

 

Suddenly, she’d stopped walking and stood dead still in the middle of the cul-de-sac. Where had that come from? Great, now her subconscious was going to taunt her in her ex-fiancée’s voice. That just made everything so much better. Velasquez had stopped walking when she’d realized Alex was no longer following behind her.

 

“Alex?”

 

“I’m fine,” Alex had said as she started walking towards the house again with Susan in tow. If she just kept telling herself that it had to eventually come true right?

 

They’d both been dressed professionally in neatly pressed black pants. Susan had worn a blazer over a white button up shirt and Alex was simply wearing a black and white stripped button up tucked into her trousers.

 

Susan had knocked on the front door of their witness’s house and they waited in awkward silence.

 

“Go away, we don’t want any!” A raspy male voice shad finally shouted from somewhere behind the door.

 

Alex and Susan had shared an amused look, then Alex had addressed who she’d hoped was their witness, “Mr. Davy, we’re not selling anything. My partner and I are federal agents. We’re here to ask you questions about the alleged alien sighting you reported yesterday afternoon.”

 

There’d been absolute quiet for a minute or so and Alex was contemplating banging her fist on the door just in case the old man hadn’t heard what she’d said and because she wasn’t feeling particularly patient that morning, but then again when did she ever feel patient these days? She raised her fist to rap on the door again, but before she could the red storm door had opened just enough for the nearly bald head of a man who was a foot shorter than Alex to squeeze through. He eyed Alex and Velasquez up and down suspiciously.

 

“Who the hell are you?” Mr. Davy had asked.

 

Alex had reached into the back pocket of her trousers and pulled out her DEO standard identification programmed to show that she was an FBI agent.

 

“Special Agent Alex Danvers, FBI and this is Special Agent Susan Velasquez,” she’d indicated pointing to her partner in this. “May we come in and ask you a few questions about the events that occurred early yesterday morning?”

 

“Let them in, Michael, or so help me. Don’t make me come out there!” a shrill female voice had erupted from somewhere deep in the house.

 

The old man’s stare—which had been equal parts skeptical and defiant from the moment he’d laid eyes on them—changed into a smaller annoyed frown as he’d looked down at his slippered feet in defeat.

 

“Shit,” he’d muttered backing up slowly and opening the door more and more as he did. “You might as well come in. The warden’s the one who makes all the rules around here anyway.”

 

The door opened completely as he’d begun shuffling down the tan hallway that led past a simple wooden staircase back into another room that they couldn’t see from the front porch. Alex and Susan shared another look before Alex had stepped across the threshold with a wry smile and Velasquez right behind her.

 

* * *

 

 

By the time Alex had finally left the DEO at 9:00 P.M., she’d made up her mind about how to go about getting Maggie back. She’d tried texting, but hadn’t gotten any sort of reply and going to Maggie’s new apartment or wherever she was living was out of the question because Alex had no idea where that was, though she could’ve asked Winn to look up Maggie’s most recently registered address in the city database, that would’ve been a bit much. So she’d decided to go to Maggie’s precinct instead. It was dark when she’d jogged up the familiar stone steps and walked through the automatic doors.

 

She’d immediately caught the inquisitive smile of Isabella—the chatty receptionist who’d been manning the lobby for as long as Alex had been coming there—at the front desk, but before she’d been able to start a conversation that would get Alex the answers she needed, a voice had called out to her.

 

“Alex?”

 

Alex had turned around and was greeted by Detective Eric Goldsmith, Maggie’s partner, Alex remembered. He was 6’.1”, pale with a face that still had telltale breakouts of acne around his hairline, and pensive brown eyes. He’d approached Alex suspiciously as if he was afraid of what she might do to him.

 

“Hi Eric. It’s been a long time,” Alex had greeted with what she’d hoped appeared to be a friendly smile. Suddenly, she felt uneasy and stuffed her hands into her black jean pockets as she continued. “Hey, do you know if Maggie’s around? I’ve been trying to get a hold of her, but she’s not answering any of my texts or calls and that’s not like her so I got worried.”

 

Eric had rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously as he’d debated what he could tell her. Alex had been able tell there was something he’d been hiding from her from the moment he’d called out to her, she wasn’t one of the best agents in the DEO for nothing. She removed her hands from her pockets and crossed them over her chest defensively as she’d stared the detective down.

 

“Eric,” Alex had begun again, this time with apprehension mixed with a clear warning in her tone. “Where’s Maggie?”

 

“She’s on a leave of absence for a few weeks.” Eric had replied, but there hadn’t been any conviction in his tone and Alex was able to tell from that alone that something vital was missing. “I can let her know you stopped by if you want?”

 

A leave of absence? Maggie never took time off from her work unless she absolutely had to. Had there been an emergency? Had something happened to her aunt or one of her siblings or even one of her parents? Was she sick or worse? What if she’d been injured in the line of duty?

 

“Maggie never takes time off of work…unless something terrible happens. Did she have a family emergency or is she hurt? Tell me, Eric, or I swear I will plant you into one of these concrete walls like a permanent decoration.”

 

“Listen,” Eric had said, pushing his hands into his pockets and stiffening his shoulders so he looked like a tall hunched over thing, like a starving vulture or an uncertain gargoyle. “The truth is that Maggie told me about how you guys called off your engagement. She was all kinds of broken up about it and I’m not sure what she’d be okay with me telling you right now. All I can tell you is that she’ll be back in a few weeks.”

 

“Do you know where she’s staying right now?” Alex had persisted in a determined whisper, taking a few steps forward into Eric’s personal space so that the detective had to back up or they’d collide. “What I need to talk to her about is very important and time sensitive. I can think of six different ways to torture you with just my index finger so tell me what I need to know or else...”

 

To his credit, Eric had stopped backtracking and stood his ground, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning forward defensively.

 

“Hey, it’s highly illegal to threaten a police officer with the intent to harm so it’s probably not the best idea to do this in the lobby of a police precinct don’t you think, _Agent_ Danvers?”

 

Alex had narrowed her eyes. The emphasis he’d put on her title was jarring, but she wasn’t about to let the detective know that. Instead, she’d taken a step closer until she’d completely invaded Goldsmith’s personal bubble, waiting a pause for the intimidation to set in. When the detective had to suck in a deep breath and stop the involuntary movement of his feet incrementally backwards with an uncomfortable full body shiver, Alex knew she had him right where she’d needed him.

 

“Are you questioning the authority and integrity of a federal agent, detective?”

 

Eric had visibly swallowed, staring down at her like a deer caught on the wrong side of the hunter’s gun.

 

“You know under the Patriot Act, I could throw you into a dark cell somewhere without any reason whatsoever and you could spend the rest of your life rotting in a black site where no one would know or care to know your name.”

 

“Christ, Danvers!” Goldsmith had yelped, as disgusted as he was nervous. “I thought you were the nice one between the two of you. What the hell happened to you?”

 

To her surprise, Alex had straightened up, backed away, rubbed her eyes tiredly, and looked away from him, “I let Maggie go, that’s what happened.”

 

A tense silence had settled between the two of them, neither knowing what to say to the other. Finally, Alex had looked down at her watch on the inside of her wrist and back up to meet Goldsmith’s eyes.

 

“Just tell her I came by looking for her, okay?” She’d asked, in a voice that even to her sounded small and defeated.

 

Alex hadn’t waited around for his timid nod of acknowledgement, but turned on her heel and exited the building the same way she’d entered, feeling just as broken as she had the day she'd let Maggie walk out of her life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Drop a comment on your way out.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts?


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